life

On Grief

Loss isn’t easy. I don’t think it is, or is ever supposed to be, I don’t think ease comes from the idea of losing someone, so much as accommodating to the loss.

I lost my grandfather over a month ago, and I still find myself accommodating. He was a small guy, but built solidly — firmly. We always joked that he was like a Russian tree trunk, because up through his seventies, he could still wood work, would insist on carrying the heavy loads of groceries in from the car, he would cartwheel after cross country skiing, he would grab you and hug you with the strength of ten. He laughed so hard, it would fill up a room. When he was ailing — and he had been for a number of years — you could hear him joking with the nurses from down the hall, it’s just how he was. He never liked people feeling sorry for him and would probably be mortified that I am writing this now, but, Opa, just like what I told you the first time I wore lipstick and you said it was too different — this isn’t for you, it’s for me. He laughed at that, too.

In person I still slip up. I refer to him in the present tense all the time, because vanilla bean is his favorite ice cream and he hates broccoli. I have to stop myself from saying Oma and Opa’s house before I drive down to see her. I’m doing alright now, but writing isn’t spur of the moment, or off the cuff. I can reread this before I hit post and decide whether or not something stays or goes, make sure all my tenses are right and the emotional availability is set to “not too heavy.”

I’ve been meaning to say something, though. I just haven’t really had the words or time or heart to say it, because this blog is primarily about reviews, cheap laughs that I laugh the hardest at, but it didn’t feel right to say nothing at all, either, because there’s still this Opa shaped hole in my life and when things are quiet and my brain is like “let’s give writing a shot!” it doesn’t connect, and it’s hard. I’m aware I’ve lost a bit of readership and I know that this could have been handled loads better and with heaping doses of compartmentalization, however, it’s just been hard for me to find a reason to care about that in the long run. Which isn’t fair, to you guys or myself, because I enjoy writing and presumably you enjoy reading it.

Not that I haven’t been writing, it’s just been a lot of introspection and a lot of fiction and no, don’t worry, that won’t be crossing over to this blog anytime soon. Or ever. Probably the latter.

I think I’ll try to rejuvenate the blog, though. I still have a thousand shows to catch up on and I have a dozen discount jokes for every minute of screen time. I wish I could say it would be consistent, but with a social life, work, and seeing family whenever I can, it runs thin. I’ve just been in this flux for a while, of change and loss, recovery and accommodating, and sometimes that takes time. Which sounds a little like an excuse, and maybe it is a little bit of one. There you have it, all the same.

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