Sometimes, when I roll over in the morning and try to face the day, I find my mind going through my inevitable and static daybreak routine. It goes a little something like this:
- get up
- grumpily greet my dog (who naturally grumps right back at me, wagging his tail in a show of faux-excitement at my haggard morning visage)
- blindly press buttons on the coffee machine until, by luck, the mechanism recognizes that I need the sweet, sweet, bitter sustenance it provides and starts percolating
- hop into the shower where the temperature is set to scalding
- remember to take off my glasses after they’ve already been branded by the pelting water
- cuss under my breath to my spectacles, because they really should have flown off my head before getting soaked
- have shower arguments regarding theoretical conversations with myself but largely focused on things I have absolutely no control over
- get out of the shower and towel off
- begin my rigorous beautification process
- spritz a little something-something on my pulse points to ensure that my dog reconsiders the notion of licking me while I drink coffee
- face the day
It’s a pretty standard routine, with the one exception lying in the addition of eau de parfum. Wait, are you telling me that you all don’t put on perfume regularly? Admittedly, my floral scented shelf is only delved into when I’m about to go into the outside world (sort of rare given my dislike of people and frightful disposition in the morning that is straight out of a scene from The Exorcist), but I do like smelling pretty. Then again, there comes a time when smelling like a high fashion bouquet of patchouli, sandalwood, peony, and damask rose just does not fit the day’s agenda. What about those days when I want to smell like the musky ambiance of a locker room? Those days when I want my bouquet to remind people of my former university’s mascot with every whiff? Those days when I want my every movement to waft the noble smell of an athletic game, complete with gelatinous black out drunk puke, dried alley urine, and excitement-based underarm perspiration? What about those days?
Luckily, Masik Collegiate Fragrances has me – and by extension, all of you looking for a new and unique signature scent that embodies an unhealthy university obsession, which means everyone in the entire world, even those who have never stepped foot onto the campus of one of America’s iconic, prestigious, and marketable purely by scent schools (the poor heathens) – covered. They’re doing us all a favor. Who doesn’t want to bring the odors of college with them throughout life? How else would we remember the scents of cardboard pizzas, stale beer, and early 20s mistakes?
Comprised of easily discernible smells like school colors, campus landmarks and architecture, mascot spirit, fight songs, and the character of the college’s town, it will surely bring forth the sweetest memories of college, like that time you smashed your friend’s television in a drunken rage after your kicker missed the game-winning field goal, but it’s totally okay because you all were just momentarily taken over by the “thrilling cry of War Eagle” or that time you got sexually accosted by a single-digit IQ athlete reminding your of your “everlasting love affair with the Tiger Paw,” and when he’s talking about the Great Tiger Paw, he’s really referencing his genitals.
It’s a winning situation for everyone. Even players need not worry about not being able to make a red cent off of their names and images any longer, because the knowledge that droves of individuals out there are spritzing themselves with eau de basketball player will keep them warm at night. So far, Masik only has the SEC boiled down to a specific scent, but considering the certainly alluring appeal of smelling like a Crimson Tide (not to be confused with the crimson wave – most women don’t have to pay for that), the company will surely expand its market. There are scents for both genders and prices range between $40 and $60. What are you waiting for? Go forth and smell like your alma mater.
Also, while not sponsored by Masik College Fragrances, Duck fans shouldn’t worry! There’s already a perfume out there that smells like Eugene, Oregon.