A couple weeks ago, I covered the new-fangled diet that my mother was forced into and I was joining to be supportive. No, I haven’t been living on strictly smoothies for the past month, but my diet has been reduced to soft foods every night. Earlier this week, I could tell that her resolve was starting to crack, loudly announcing her popcorn withdrawals during an episode of Chopped. “It’s just hard, you know? I really could use some popcorn. I’m going to have a tomato with salt on it, that will soothe my no-crunch wounds.” I sassily harrumphed, saying something snarky that I don’t remember that made my mother glare at me (it was probably something along the lines about how I was just about to go into the kitchen for a crunchtacular snack). However, now that mom’s away with her significant other for the weekend, the daughter will play eat everything crunchy in sight.
Mashed potato, steamed beets and cauliflower, soups of every combination…all stinking delicious, all wonderful for my waistline, but there is something so satisfying about snapping and chomping my way through meals and various snack cravings.
Here’s a list of all the foods that I plan on gorging myself on while mom is out of the house, because my ability to be considerate of her condition is contingent upon city limits.
- Bacon. My adoration of bacon came before Reddit re-birthed it as the trendy comestible. It is a camp of breakfast foods, the pleasure of which has been more elusive during this time than Kanye West’s sense of humility. Besides, it’ll compliment my viewing of the NFL Draft that much more delicious. What? Bacon eating so late in the day? You shouldn’t be so shocked. Breakfast for dinner is an amazingly fulfilling life choice.
- Celery. Some people may hate celery, but I can happily say that I’m not in the ranks of anti-greenery heathens. No, while it’s sunny in my normally cloudy city (the sun, the sun! It burns!), I will be munching like no tomorrow on those delicious green stalks of yumminess. Who needs to feel like a fox when you can feel like a stone cold rabbit?
- BBQ anything. There is a new restaurant down the street from me that has a massive grill in their parking lot and it shall tempt me NO LONGER.
- Nachos. Okay, I admit to my nacho indiscretion when mom was here during the week. I ate them in another room and sent mental rays to make them quieter, but now that she’s out of the house I will indulge in a beany, sharp Tillamook cheddar, spicy salsa laden batch of oven-cooked gluttony. The question is: now that the thrill is gone, will they still rock my world? (Yes. Yes they will.)
- Triscuits. Dill Triscuits, to be precise. With cheese. Why dill? Because any other flavor is for losers.
- Non-steamed vegetables. I was wondering how quickly I’d get tired of various steamed carrot salads. Turns out it’s rather quickly. This weekend, I’m going to embrace my rebel side and take those raw carrots into a bowl of lettuce and let my inner Peter Cottontail flourish.
- Salted popcorn. Just kidding, that would definitely lead to some karmic retribution via my mother.
By the flip side of this weekend, I’ll probably be multi-pounds heavier. No regrets.