The More You Know: Arson-Prone Children and Bruno Mars’ Disastrous Rolling Stones Cover

  • There comes a time in your life when you have an authoritative confrontation with your parents. It’s expected! After all, as you start spreading your wings in the family nest, sometimes you might ruffle the feathers of the ones that chew up and regurgitate food into your mouth. “But mom, I need to go to the crappy burger joint after school because if I don’t have those not-crunchy-enough curly fries how will people know I exist?” “Dad! If I don’t wear these $80 gothic-chain pants that hide the entire lower half of my body, how will I ever overcome my sensitive pubescent body issues?” et cetera, et cetera. The key to getting past these incidences is to hope that your parents have saintly patience, realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you, and above all else, don’t light your parents on fire when they tell you to turn your music down. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say that.
  • This year’s color is emerald. Yes! I always knew my musical theatre background as a stock character of the Emerald City in my high school’s production of Wizard of Oz would pay off. Once, I filled in for the mayor of Munchkinland (because every mayor of Munchkinland needs to be eight inches taller than Dorothy).
  • Want to see Bruno Mars look like the star of a 1970s porn parody of Shaft, entitled Shaft? Of course you do. Thanks, Rolling Stones.
  • Bradley Cooper and Rachel McAdams might be enjoying each other’s super attractive company. Brunch, guys – you know it’s serious. We should start judging relationships based on how significant others enjoy their eggs. “Sunny side up? Aw, that’s how I feel about you every day, too. Let’s butterfly kiss.” “Scrambled? What exactly in our relationship can be classified as scrambled?” “Eggs Benedict? Are you cheating on me?” “EASY OVER? WELL NOW WE’RE OVER, IT WAS THAT EASY.” This is an absolutely flaw-free method.
  • Ke$ha has a show on MTV? Ke$ha has a show on MTV.
  • Alexander McQueen’s pre-fall collection will make you look like a dominatrix puritan looking to seek revenge on Elizabethan vampires for killing her family, and it’s amazing.
  • Do you have excess babies lying around? Sell them on facebook.
  • While I’m sitting here behind my computer typing up this post, someone out there is getting paid $34,000 to travel the world and test waterslides over a six month period. Judging slides based on the largest splash and adrenaline pumping almost outweighs how many smelly/inexplicably sticky children you’d have to stand behind while waiting in line. Almost.

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