Sometimes, when the morning starts fading into the afternoon and you’re staring at the granules of ground coffee at the bottom of your porcelain cup you let your mind wander, you ask questions to the universe. “Why is pizza so bad for you? Is it because it’s delicious?” or “What the fuck is the white sauce in white sauce pizza?” or “Would people think less of me if I oriented my diet around the consumption of pizza?” or “Would I care?” And yet, time and time again, our mind wanders to the things that we don’t have. “Why don’t I have the pizza of my dreams?” or “Why am I here and not in my dreamy future apartment where I’m surrounded by pets and German chocolate?” or, since the world runs on love money, “Why don’t I have a million dollars? No, wait, if this is a fantasy, why don’t I have ten million dollars?” Have no fear, after you see these accessories, you’ll be so blinded by their stupidity that you will look at your mountainous pile of bills and think “well, at least I used my money on an education in a laughable major and not that hunk of purely ridiculous piece of crap.”
Lanvin “Love bow-embellished pen”
How much? $130
Remember those pens that were popular amongst girls when they first discovered that when they take notes they want to be noticed (usually around the age of 12) that were sparkly and had a giant feather on top? This is the grown up version of that, because the bow makes it classier. Instead of saying “I’m about to get glitter all over my notebook” it says “I am a woman in control of my destiny, this bow adorned pen gives me strength.” What? Why are you looking at me that way? Okay, okay, you’re on a budget, I get it. You just graduated from college, you’re at least 25k in debt and you can’t afford a $130 dollar pen. Lanvin has listened to your plights and offers you an extremely cost effective alternative in the form of their faces-print ballpoint pen, at an extremely reasonable price of $105. Man, as we speak I’m throwing out my 60 count bulk pack of Bic pens for this bargain. It’s all worth it for seeing this face every time I jot down my grocery list:
Cram jam chest designer toy
How much? $1,390
When I was a kid, I went through a phase of trying to sew/knit like my mom and decided that I would make my own stuffed animal to add to my (admittedly ridiculous in size, but I was the youngest so I was graciously bestowed with my brother’s hand-me-downs) collection. I stole a sock from somewhere, filled it with packing peanuts, sewed it up, put it in a baby doll dress, glued bear ears to it, and drew a face on with scented markers. It looked better than this.
Jimmy Choo “Rika” Coffee Cup Holder
How much? $180
I love coffee, so I totally understand what it’s like to go into a café, order a cup of whatever overly sweet and whipped cream laden thing they’re selling, look down at my order and say “this is such a high class drink, it just screams money (and not just because I spent $8 on it). I can’t soil it with a standard fare cardboard sleeve! That’s so pedestrian! I need something shiny – NO – I need something leather – NO – both. ” So, it’s a great idea to have a piece of expensive merchandise in place of an otherwise free product, because avoiding that unsightly class confusion is what’s important in life.
Hermes “Up and Down” candle
How much? $280
When I first saw this product, my first reaction was “holy shit, how much would I be paying per hour of it burning?” until I realized that they don’t even mention how long the candle burns. Roughly the size of a 12oz coffee, this candle is going to set you back . Another thing, the reason people buy candles is because they make your house smell good; this is unscented. What is the point? If you’re about to get all romantic with your significant other, the whole look would be able to be achieved with tea lights. For $280 dollars, you could buy 3,962 tea light candles priced at $42.50 for packs of 600, impress your romantic interest when you light them all at once, and collect the house insurance when you burn your house down (just be sure to grab your $1,075 vase as you’re running from the carnage). Win/win/win!