Oh, Eurovision; an annual celebration of mediocre European musical talent from different countries culminating in a cutthroat competition to see who has the voice of Europe. There’s always a lot of metaphoric bloodshed, tears, and bloodysweattears—it’s sort of like Europe’s equivalent of going to war with each other. To give you the idea of the talen and music you should expect from the competition, after Eurovision launched in 1956, its crowning achievement is remains to be starting the career of ABBA.
As I’m an American, many people don’t realize the glory and wonderment of Eurovision. I’m here to judge and synopsize this year’s contestants, this is part one.
Denmark – Emmelie de Forest – Only Teardrops
This song sounds like if Alanis Morissette circa Jagged Little Pill became a fairy princess in the realm of mid-90s alternative music after a love affair with Shakira. In the video, Emmelie seems to be running with the fairy child motif, with her raggedy dress, mesh armband, inability to stand throughout the whole video, and suited flautist that she keeps making creepy sex eyes with.
Slovenia – Hannah – Straight Into Love
This is a dubstep fogmachine arm-flailing sequined nightmare. Excuse me while I pound a nail into my own skull.
Ukraine – Zlata Ognevich – Gravity
I don’t know why, but thissounds like a rejected Celine Dion song written for Lion King. The fact that it’s named Gravity makes me think that Simba would have this in his head as he pensively thought of Mufasa, killed by his inability to float, whereafter the musical monologue, he gains the strength to fight Scar.
Belgium – Roberto Bellarosa – Love Kills
Is this guy tone deaf? I’m genuinely curious.
Lithuania – Andrius Pojavis – Something
When this guy is telling me that he has something to tell me, I believe it. I feel like there are dire consequences to what he’s about to say; maybe it is the wide-eyed stare, the off-key way he sings, the smile he has after he hits a sour note, the accusatory pointing, the spooky way his face looks panicked even when he’s telling you his mysterious secret, the reject magician outfit—if I don’t accept his love, he’s seriously going to put me in a box and saw me in half. However, I also find something really sweet about it. Maybe it’s because the youtube channel message is “Vote for LITHUANIA you not disappointed!” Despite my better judgment, I can’t hate it.
Iceland – Eyþór Ingi Gunnlaugsson – Ég á líf
Once you get past the way this guy looks like man from Middle Earth awkwardly put into a satin suit and the fact that you can’t understand a singular word that he’s saying, it’s actually really beautiful. Siiiing to me Icelandic angel!
Malta – Gianluca Bezzina – Tomorrow
I feel like this is the guy at college parties who sings “Hey There Delilah” unprovoked to try to get attention, which he ultimately does get, for all the wrong reasons.
Albania – Adrian Lulgjuraj and Bledar Sejko – Identitet
Ultimately, this isn’t white noise. It’s like…aggressive black noise. The only thing I remember about this song is the guy performing aggressive cunninglus on his guitar for an uncomfortable amount of time.
Norway – Margaret Berger – I Feed You My Love
This is exactly what people expect from Eurovision. What do I mean? I mean that it is a really, really bad pop song that is weirdly catchy. Does it make any sense at all? Absolutely fucking not. How does someone feed you their love? Is it sexual? Is it spiritual? Does it involve an exacto-knife? It’s all coupled with a smiling face of a beautiful northern European clad in white—it’s just so unnerving. It’s a freakin’ premise of a primetime crime drama. Bring back Haba Haba!
Switzerland – Heilsarmee – You and Me
Well, okay. They tried.
Finland – Krista Siegfrids – Marry Me
This is a perfect example for why America needs a Eurovision equivalent; I really want to celebrate hot ass fucking messes that consider themselves musically talented. This is some 1998 Wet Seal chic, remixed and played by edgy drunk bridezillas everywhere. Oh oh, oh oh DING DONG.
Germany – Cascada – Glorious
Was the budget for this video a total of four Euros? The video is the only good part of this mess, though. I’m midway through the song and I can’t even recall a single line. One thing is certain, this song would make me want to evacuate the dancefloor.
…ha, ha. I’m so clever.