The new NCAA uniforms would make even the unsportiest of fashionistas and ‘stos alike cringe in utter horror, one glimpse of the atrocities would make even the sturdiest souls shrink back into their mortal coils. Adidas (not to be confused with that Korn song, A.D.I.D.A.S.—though I’m sure it’s perfectly relevant to the mentality of basketball players) is to blame. Of course they’re to blame. Was it not enough to soil the sleeveless goodness that used to be the basketball standard? Is Adidas getting some sort of sick bout of pleasure from depriving the players full-range movement and the fans full-eye enjoyment? Is the head of Adidas anti-tattoo? Are they so desperate for new, exciting designs to compete with Nike that they’ve gone completely bonkers? “But Shannon!” someone out there is thinking, “you are totally Nike biased! You’re in Portland! You went to the University of Oregon!” Ah, of course, faceless reader. I am indeed getting ahead of myself.
I should really just let the ensembles speak for themselves:
Imagine that your irises are little mouths and you are eating the images. Feast upon them. Taste the bright, shiny colors of the “impact camo pattern,” and allow the armhole insets (layman’s terms: sleeves) to grab your tongue and rake against your tastebuds. You should feel the suddenly violent act stimulate your gag reflex. Suppress it. Don’t let the uniforms win. Look at them. Look at them. It isn’t until you feel like your senses are so confused and utterly abused, like you microwaved a cucumber and then ate it, that you should feel free to stop the metaphor. Grab some mouthwash, swish it around, because it’s time to dissect this stylistic offense. I’ll give you a minute to digest.
Adidas. A brand known for putting out clothing of questionable design and pattern, seems to be pretty keen on continuing the cycle of uncalled-for clothing criminality. Let’s start…somewhere. Anywhere. Heads or trails? Let’s start up top.
First thing you’ll probably notice, if you can drag your eyes away from the solid block of day-glo chest-thing happening, are the sleeves that conveniently match their shorts, which is already an issue. Hello, don’t they have any concept of fashion? Patterns quickly become way, way too much if used incorrectly. If you have a bright, shocking statement piece, you wear it on one aspect of your body, preferably in moderation—say, a belt, a shirt, a pair of shoes, etc. It’s such a tacky faux pas to try to pass this off as respectable, not that the sleeveless designs are any better at all. I mean, look at Notre Dame. He looks like a Junior Mint that was left out in the sun.
The sleeved outrage has already been talked about in length on the internet, so it’s about time we move onto the larger crime:
The shorts. The Zubaz shorts. The zebra-on-an-acid-trip-that-can’t-keep-his-shit-together shorts. The colorblind tourist in Florida shorts. The highlighter that was instilled with artificial intelligence to fight crime but instead is using his powers for evil shorts. These shorts have a mind of their own. That’s why none of the basketball players are smiling, the shorts have stolen all of the joy they ever experienced in their lives. They are shells now. Empty, probably confused, shells. The shorts seeped into their system and cinched off their emotions with an elastic waistband that would fill Richard Simmons with envy, and some other emotions that are deeply disturbing.
The shoes. The only way these shoes would be validated in their existence would be if they lit up under foot.
This brings us back to the original question: why?
Have you not figured it out? Have my words not pointed you into the right direction? It’s simple, my friends. Adidas’ new NCAA uniforms are an homage to one of the greatest 90s shows of all time: Saved by the Bell.
But that doesn’t make it right. Dear Adidas, please, for the love of all things uniform-related, stop.