Every once in a while, even if you really love something, you need a break. Sometimes you sit down and think “man, I’m going to write some funny shit,” and nothing comes out. That’s what happened these past few weeks. I’m here to please all of you, like an obedient puppy with the ability to talk, to make you snicker to yourself at the expense of dresses and pantsuits that are thousands and thousands of dollars more than they should be, make you guffaw at pop culture that everyone will forget about by next week, and to give you anecdotal stories about my life in funny ways—if I can’t do that, what am I doing? In an attempt to broaden my vocabulary and impress you with the unique ways I praise or condemn things in my everyday life, I’m here to bring you part two of 10 Words We Need To Bring Back From Obscurity.
Ever have those days where you feel like your coffee was spiked with Felix Felicis and nothing can go wrong? You seem to luck into everything, maybe even finding five dollars in a pair of pants that you haven’t worn in a year? Me neither, but if in a parallel universe this were to occur, you would want to climb on top of a high point around you (back of a chair, a shrub of medium height, the top of a house that doesn’t belong to you, etc) and exclaim, “I am the luckiest person in all of the world!” You know what? That wouldn’t impress anyone and would probably make them jealous. They’d steal your five dollars. You would be taught not to brag about your luck with angry fists of bitter envy. That is where bonifate comes in. If you were to forego mentioning luck and shouted “By golly! Today I am bonifate!” People will be so confused they will leave you alone and you will be able to celebrate the five dollars. Buy yourself a beer, you deserve it.
to rip open a sewn piece of clothing
When Jason Mamoa stops bafflingly receiving acting jobs and fulfills his fate as the next Fabio, this word will be emblazoned upon dollar box novels in Papyrus font. “When his rough hands diloricated her décolletage, her breasts were bared onto the world. It was forbidden, it only fueled them.”
the domain or rule of fishes
The only legitimate argument for the existence of Aquaman.
one who studies and classifies roses
This is still the month of socially forced loved and romance, and I refuse to let all of the rhodologists out there go unmentioned for their hard work of cultivating out of season roses and penning little slips of pink paper that explain the symbolism of the rose color you’re thinking of presenting at the start of the date you’re surely going on in hopes of having a little bedroom happiness (unless you’re getting a bundle of yellow roses for yourself to signify friendship. You’ll always be there for you, buddy.). This one’s for you:
unable to be revived
Relevant example: “Despite best possible efforts, NBC’s ratings proved irredivivous.”
to stop one’s mouth
INTRODUCING: the classiest way to say “shut up” ever. “Obacerate thyself, motherfucker!”
one who eats babies
At home in Neil Gaiman’s “Babycakes” short story (use your imagination on what that’s about) or any manner of mythological creature created in the imagination of parents to get a child to behave, a brephophagist is a baby eater. I’d say this is a good phrase to throw around to people you don’t like, but that’d be creepy and rude and—oh, fuck it—absolutely perfect. Use it against your enemies and use it well, as no one will be able to find a comeback to “dammit, would you stop being such a raving brephophagist!?”
funeral orations; prayers for the dead
Chances are someone will be loudly and semi-incoherently yelling “arrange thy commendaces, heathen!” at you in a strangely British accent after you insult them in a really terrible manner, like calling them a fetus feaster. You should probably stop calling people brephophagists.