the musings of the boyfriend

Beefing Up with the Kardashians

Yes, I realize that only a few short days ago I made a resolution to avoid speaking about all things related to the West-Kardashian baby. Perpetuating the unnecessary cultural obsession over a fetus belonging to a halfway decent rapper and a halfway plastic human being just isn’t in my 2013 itinerary. However, my newest idea for a reality show does not involve said baby, ergo I am not reneging on my resolution. So…props to me? I’ve kept my resolution for almost a week, which I know is longer than you’ve manage to keep that fatuous promise about going to the gym.

Since reality television is just about the only form of television that studios are interested in backing these days, I think it’s due time I throw my creative hat into the ring. Of course, coming up with an entirely new and unique idea is too time consuming. It’s far more effective to combine the components of a few successes and pitch it as something new, sorta like what the Democrats did with Obama’s 2012 re-election campaign.

That said, I am proud to present you all with the show you won’t be able to turn off this year: “Beefing Up with the Kardashians.”

Do you love the entrepreneurial ventures of Kim? Do you find yourself relating to the second-fiddle status of Khloe? Are you enthralled with whatever the fuck it is that Kourtney does? Would you like to watch each of them compete to try and gain the most weight, shoveling In-and-Out burgers into their gaping maws like their lives depended on it?

The premise of the show is simple. Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney each have six months to gorge themselves on whatever high-caloric food they can get their tackily manicured fingers on. There can be specific challenges to keep things interesting, like a week where only desserts can be consumed or a 24-hour binge at Izzy’s where the sisters have their hands tied behind their backs are only allowed to eat out of a trough. Obviously, these are just rough ideas, but you get the gist.

There will be, of course, a plot twist. Since the trio is rich for having received unholy amounts of cosmetic surgery (I don’t actually know how they’ve made their money), each of the sisters will undergo, unbeknownst to the rest, a controversial procedure to allow their respective jaws to unhinge. The better they perform at the challenges, the more “points” they have to spend on higher-quality surgery. Each sister will think they are the only one being given this option, because family duplicity makes for compelling television.

Bonus points for mental breakdowns will be awarded.

Let’s consider the season finale. All three of the women, obese and sweaty, show up for the final weigh-in. Kim comes in at a respectable 285, while the less talented Kourtney only manages 277. Suddenly Khloe waddles into the room, unhinges her jaw, and swallows one of the others whole, thereby weighing a grand total of 569 pounds. If you don’t think this is possible, then you clearly have never seen a snake swallow a hippo. And if you don’t think people would watch this, you clearly overestimate the American population.

Let’s face it, Kardashians beefing up would be better than a year covering the birth of this.

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