My resolution for 2013 is to finally upgrade to HDTV…….
Fine. The thing is, I’m not usually a resolution-making person. I’ve always sort of thought they were for the weak, just like hugs and empathy. This year, however, I’m giving ‘em a shot. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? Oh, look, my life has more disappointments and letdowns? Pssshaw. Embrace failure! We all know Eeyore was superior to the other 100 Acre Woods denizens. I’d rather accept the realities of life and eat thistles than live in Tigger’s naïve world of bouncing and being inferior to both a) Hobbes and b) the guy from Rap City. It’s the difference between accepting inevitable shortcomings and turning an immature blind eye.
That said, I’m making a resolution for all of us this year (because I get to make the resolutions around here. Deal with it). Yes, we may collectively fail, or maybe just one of us will fail and be shamed and shunned by the others. Either way, the likely success rate of this is 3,720 to 1:
Let’s not give a fuck about the West-Kardashian baby. Please?
Can we not fall back on the normal crutch of the, “Oh the media is so saturated with coverage and it’s so ubiquitous and scary and I can’t hide from it,” style of excuses?
Can we not allow a couple of human beings to peacefully spawn?
Of course, some people will argue that the happy couple will abuse their collective media power to publicize every minute detail of their bun-in-the-oven journey. And some people will say things like, “With the amount of surgery Kim as gotten done, said oven is probably sponsored by Hasbro.” And then other people will say things about how the revolution that is the gender-neutral Easy-Bake Oven parallels Kanye’s ventures into androgyny. I guess people are mean.
Listen, I know it’s natural to want to rev-up the snark cannons to defend against the onslaught of celebrity news. As an individual, unless you happen to be an executive of a TV station (in which case, hire me! No, seriously, allow me to fetch your sandwiches!), you don’t get a say in the amount of coverage Kim’s pregnancy will receive (The answer: a lot). That lack of power may be, and often is, frustrating. You do, however, get a say in if you pay attention.
There’s a line between being snottily dismissive and truly indifferent that most people seem bewildered by. Simply put, clicking on the newest “KANYE AND KIM ARGUE OVER IF BABY SHOULD HAVE ‘K’ NAME” headline in order to leave a haughty rejoinder accomplishes very little in your pretentious fight against the “purity” of media. If you truly want to turn a blind eye/deaf ear/insert-body-part-and-its corresponding-malfunction-here to the issue, then don’t click the link: metaphorically and literally. Ignore it, and it’ll go away*
*(I’m not saying that about pregnancy. If you are pregnant, do not ignore it. You’ll end up birthing an introvert and the world will have one more shitty artist).
Let’s not allow their baby—how pampered it may be, how many sponsorship deals its already inked from the womb, and how long until starts crying in Autotune—to be a cultural thing in 2013. Let’s not speculate over it, let’s not discuss if the speculation is appropriate, and let’s not discuss if the discussion about the speculation is somehow “privileged” or whatever label pop-culture theorists want to use to seem politically correct in 2013. Let’s not make lame references to certain lines from “Gold Digger” and let’s not even bring up Ray J.
Let’s, collectively, not give a fuck. Starting now.
Happy 2013, everyone! Achieve your goals this year (or, at least, the goals I have now set before you)! Remember, this year is going to be the bomb or whatever the 2013 equivalent of “the bomb” will be!