The New Year is right around the corner, which means only one thing: resolutions are about to come forthwith and abandoned within a week, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t set them! Now, when I think of resolutions that I will surely forget about, I don’t go for major life changing decisions, such as “stop being so glum,” or “eat less bread,” or “socialize with those things called friends more,” I immediately go for frivolous, because when I undoubtedly toss the resolution onto the side of the road, I won’t feel bad about carelessly jumping ship on January 4th. It isn’t that those big life changes shouldn’t happen (note: eat less bread will never ever happen), it’s just that it’s something I need to incorporate into my life in a more serious way. Therefore, my New Year’s Resolution is simple and related to clothing: there are other colors out there other than dark blue, grey and black. Wear them. Preferably patterned.
Sure, some people might have other ideas when they set their clothing based resolution. “Stop wearing things that are 3 sizes too big for me,” or “stop wearing neon,” or “stop wearing yoga pants as replacements for jeans,” or maybe even “wear eco-friendly hand spun turtlenecks all year around.” The world is your fashionable oyster, go for it! However, judging from January’s fashion editorials, “dress like a horse seeking revenge” will be en vogue.
Today on Magazine Fashion in the Real World, we’re looking at “At First Sight,” from Tar Magazine #8 Fall 2012 by Tung Walsh.
Before we get started, we need to set the correct mental state. Last time, I advised a bottle of wine. That’s just not going to work this time ’round, because you need to feel wild. You need to feel like an uncaged animal, maybe even in heat. You need to possibly not remember what’s going to happen tomorrow morning. You’re going to need some Jägermeister.
First, we need a black turtleneck shirt. We’re talking full-on, Sterling Archer tactle-neck. However, just in case you don’t have $900 dollars to spend on a turtleneck crafted out of Azerbaijani cashmere, I have an alternative solution:
Wearing your turtleneck, you’re unstoppable. Go ahead, take another shot. Put on some hardcore tunes.
Now, we’re on a budget, so we we’re going faux leather pants. I was nervous about this step, you see, because I didn’t want to offer something that looked cheap, that looked fake. Luckily, Sears came through for us with some Grade-A Kardashian Klass.
Slip into the faux leather leggings and take another shot (for your pride!), and go ahead and tuck your turtleneck into the tights. Why the hell not? You might feel a bit hot by this point (have you been taking your shots?), but don’t worry about that. With the amount of pleather you’ll be wearing by the end of this, you might just sweat out your body weight.
I think we need a few more layers. I mean, look at that glorious leather tunic. How, and I mean, how, will we find something that’s like tha–
OH YES. THE HORSEHEAD DOMINATRIX GODS HAVE SPOKEN. You know what to do. Zip yourself into that baby, twirl around in the mirror, and feel inspired by yourself. We’re so, so close!
And yet, so so so far.
Where are we going to find that fly as fuck Russell Crowe circa Gladiator leather skirt of beauty? Oh, wait. The internet!
You know that old saying about studs. “More studs? I think you mean MORE BADASS.” Belt that shit on, under or over the really masculine peplum ruffle you’ve got going on from your faux leather tunic–that part is just personal preference.
By this point, you should be sufficiently tipsy and/or drunk, which is good, because we all know that liquor is perfect for helping you walk in heels. Meet your new shoes:
Now that you’ve buckled yourself into your nearly complete outfit, you can officially put on your gloves. This has to be one of the last steps, duh, because pleather-fingers are not conducive to finesse and those totally arbitrary mini-belts won’t fasten themselves!
The best part? After you wear them out to da club, you can also use them to clean toilets.
NEW YEARS HAS NEVER FELT SO LIBERATING. With this outfit on, you’ll be able to rein in any guy in the coming year, and all it took was harnessing your creativity. Sure, the Chinese Zodiac may say 2013 is the year of the Snake, but your equine charm won’t be able to be stopped.
Feeling hot yet? You should be. You’re wearing more leather than the whole of Whitesnake. And that, my friends, is priceless.