Words. Language. As time goes by, popular phrasing, terminology and slang changes with it. Before you know it, groovy, tubular, radical….it is all old hat and people are looking at you weird if you use them. Today, we’re going to explore a small sampling of words I think we need to inject back into modern day society.
a scoundrel; a slumgullion; a scamp; an individual of ill-repute.
Vintage insults are so wonderful for many, many reasons. They’re unique, they’re powerful, they’re multisyllabic (take that common insults like jerk, dick, dweeb, and twerp!), and they will automatically make you win any argument. What sounds more badass? “Get away from me, dweeb!” or “Unhand me, you dastardly and despicable rapscallion!” I rest my case.
barbarous; stupefied from drink
This needs to be brought back to college campuses as soon as possible. Don’t believe me? Just picture a barrel-chested bro, desperately clinging to a box of sugary breakfast cereal while nuking frozen bean and cheese burritos, clearly wishing he was dead. His friend comes up to him, claps him on the back and cheers. “Yo, bro, your behavior last night was totally alabandical! Also, that chick you were with was totally busted. I’d get checked.”
a perfect sphere.
Perfect orbs. Perfect circles. Perfectly round things. You see? In modern day vernacular, there are only so many ways someone can say something is perfectly round. Just think of the romance writers of today! Their lives will be greatly improved by reintroducing this word into the modern age.
an abyss; an insatiable person.
While the first, classic meaning, derives from the metaphor of a bottomless pit or oubliette, it also can represent an individual with an insanely large appetite, such as my dog…or my boyfriend.
one who presides over orgies.
While I am not totally sure how someone oversees an orgy (does he/she provide contraception? Make sure that the manhandling is warranted? Sing arousing songs? Check the coats?), I think that this position would be hard fought over and filled with stiff competition.
speaking cruel and harsh words; threatening
This relates perfectly to rapscallion and makes you sound like a burly voiced and armor clad royal Spaniard who is about to challenge his slightly uglier cousin to a duel. “I will not tolerate your sevidical tone and manner, you filthy rapscallion!”
a grotesque face on a door-knocker
These are infinitely better than regular doorknobs, and if the above video isn’t enough to convince you, just take a look at the nearest door handle. It’d be much, much cooler if it looked like a character from Gargoyles, am I right? (I’m totally right).
to cause to tremble
Sometimes, when writing a post on facebook, twitter, tumblr, whatever, phrasing can feel a bit stiff or dull. Say that you and your friends just saw a horror movie in theatres and jump onto the great book of face to update your adoring
fans family/friends, but you want to put your words more eloquently than “this movie scared the living shit out of me and my compadres.” The flawless and moving alternative? “While the movie tremefied the more sturdy of onlookers, I had to quell the growing urge to urinate.”
We all know a few know-it-alls that talk and talk and talk and talk and talk some more. Know what will make them shut up? Standing up and bellowing: “CEASE THY BLATERATION YE HEATHEN.”
to go into an ecstasy; to cause to become ecstatic
I can see it now, a headline for E! news: THE ARRIVAL OF ONE DIRECTION ECSTASIATED THE PRE-TEEN THRONG THAT HAD BEEN CAMPING OUTSIDE THE HOTEL FOR FIVE DAYS.
(Note: I’ve never actually listened to One Direction, this is pure speculation.)
BONUS! 2 words that we need to stop using:
Initially used to describe a gait (swagger), when Jersey Shore came around, it was suddenly too long of a word and needed to be shortened for this generation. It’s the new generation’s alternative word for “cool” that actually means “I have self-esteem issues and tried out for Jersey Shore and was rejected.” Now that Jersey Shore is ending, it’s time for swag to be shelved, too.
Abbreviation for “you only live once.” It’s a dumbass’s excuse for something stupid that they did in an attempt to justify the act. To quote Jack Black, “I’m fairly certain YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people.” Ah, Mr. Black, I’m pretty sure that Carpe Diem was never a mating call for douchebags.