Christmas is right around the corner and if we thought the pressure was on last time I granted you with literary giftgiving wisdom, we were so, so wrong. For those of us who have Secret Santa gifts to buy and a disturbing lack of time to do it in, sometimes we just need a little push in the right direction. Buying gifts for people you like is one thing, sure, but what about those people in your friend group that you actually, secretly, or not-so-secretly, hate? They need some passive-aggressive hate-love, too! ‘Tis the season!
More Joy: An Advanced Guide to Solo Sex by Harold Litten
“Happy Holidays! This seems like a joke gift, ha-ha, but I actually do think you’re going to be forever alone and should probably get used to it.”
My Teenage Dream Ended: Farrah Abraham by Farrah Abraham
Do you want the person you’re getting a gift for to feel bad about themselves? Have this single-digit brain cell 16 and Pregnant cum Teen Mom star regale you with stories about her dead baby daddy (and what his semen smells like!), drug use (so it was only like, one line of coke), and dreams of being a pop sensation (lol ok). Why would it make them feel bad? Because Farrah Abraham’s book is a bestseller and she’s made more money being a popculture cyst than they’ll ever make.
Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
Reading about Nick and Amy’s marriage woes will bring seizures with how hard you’re rolling your eyes in annoyance and boredom. Every single character is venal, vile and self-righteous, while the story remains grating, cheap and predictable. That said, if you find the person you’re buying the gift for a perfect fit to one of those adjectives, this is the perfect book. They’ll probably love it.
Woman: A Novel by Charles Bukowski
Nothing says “you’re a tryhard indie douchebag and I don’t like you” quite like a collection of Charles Bukowski stories. Bukowski reads like an abusive relationship, where you’re subjected to the actions of a decrepit, dirty old man who has anger, drug and women issues. The best part? Since Bukowski is so en vogue right now, they won’t even realize how much of an insult it is.
Tantalize by Cynthia Leitich Smith
For when “Merry Christmas!” really means “enjoy this Twilight knockoff that I saw in the one dollar bargain bin and was instantly reminded of you!”
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Eating Clean by Diane A. Welland
You know all about their struggles with weight and questionable IQ. What a perfect gift! This might be less subtle than the other options, but sometimes you just need to be really, really obvious.
BAD BOOK BONUS! Moon People by Dale M. Courtney is riddled with grammatical errors and plot holes, and is so bad that the internet has embraced it like the three wolves howling majestically at the moon shirt. I almost didn’t include it within this list, because it reads like a bad SyFy movie (of which I’m a hardcore fan), however, to anyone that doesn’t have a funny bone in their body, they’ll be confused and probably insulted.