Ahhhhh, Christmas lights. Let me tell you, there’s definitely a feeling a magic and wonder induced by walking down a street and basking in the lit-up glory of first-world privilege. Nothing quite says “holiday cheer” like rampant energy consumption. Nothing!
Do I hate Christmas lights and decorations? No. However, do I have numerous pet peeves regarding them and their usage? Yes, yes I do.
1) Newfangled Color Schemes
In my book, if you’re going to go through the effort to string up Christmas lights, you should stick to the classic red and green color scheme. Okay, you can throw some of those little white lights in as well, but every hue besides those three are entirely off-limits. Do people feel that it is “offensive” to use the classic “Christmas colors” when it comes to decorating? Because if so, I’m sure the use of blue and purple and orange lights is absolutely critical in the fight against the oppressive nature of the Christmas season. There isn’t enough true separation between church and state in American culture! I’m going to rebel with mauve colored icicles!
Listen, the colors green and red happen to look good together. Das ist alles. It isn’t a sign that you support all the Judeo-Christian overtones our society is replete with. It just shows you have taste and class.
2) Inflatable Horrors
We’ve all seen the houses with the giant, air-filled snowmen or reindeer out front. Supposedly, these are the people who are reallyreallyreally into the Christmas spirit. To me, these people are the folks putting our future children at risk.
Do you know how much air there is in the world? I’ll wait as you look it up. Now, do you know the percentage of air that has been rendered toxic by pollution? You can look that up, too.
It seems to me as if there is less breathable, clean air now than there was, say, 18,000 years ago. Since that is the case, aren’t the people wasting valuable air to inflate a gargantuan Santa pretty much war criminals? Why are they allowed precious air for their selfish need to show-off? And before some butts in with, “But the air used in those inflatable monstrosities isn’t breathable oxygen,” let me tell you that, according to science, air is air. You can’t argue that.
A couple in TLC’s My Crazy Obsession: Christmas Collection has spent over $325k (conservatively) on Christmas inflatable lawn ornaments. Just think about that.
3) The High Risk of Injury and/or Death
Snow, ice, and ladders do not mix. If you go out and string-up your Christmas lights, you’re playing with fire: icy, slippery, cold fire. It’s the worst kind of fire.
More people are killed every year due to Christmas decorating accidents than are killed by sharks, moray eels, pelicans, and paper cuts combined! That’s four categories! It would seem that most of these accidents occur when hanging lights outside during inclement weather, but the truth is the dangers of décor are not confined to this one area. For example, scores of Christmas trees catch on fire every year, putting presents, ornaments, and children (in reverse order of importance) at risk for immolation. There are also the threats posed by mistletoe, which range from the spreading of STDs to the gouging out of eyes (trust me, people never secure that stuff to their door frames all that well. It can fall and puncture flesh at any moment). Last but not least are the dangers of tinsel, which are so insidious and horrifying that I won’t speak of them here.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with decorating your house. In fact, I encourage everyone to do so. Just be safe about it and for Blitzen’s sake use some normal colored lights. If you don’t, Krampus is going to come to your house and steal your toes.