The sun is kind of out, the coffee is pumping through my veins, my sleep last night was restless, and I haven’t eaten yet toda (time to drink more coffee!). Do you know what this is a recipe for? A slightly spiny mood, which is absolutely perfect for what I’m about to do! Are you ready? It’s Magazine Fashion in the Real World!
We all know that the appeal of being a Free People girl is to purchase a piece of Bohemia for an absurd amount of cash so people really know that you’re totally a modern day eclectic hippie lovechild crafted out of lace crop tops and vegan leather. Their blouses are really cool sometimes, I am just flabbergasted at their audacity when they sell henley tees at $70 a pop on average. Ugh. Let’s get this show on the road.
First, the hair and makeup. Easy. For the hair, take a shower and don’t brush it afterwards, add some braids in random places and DON’T YOU DARE take it out or touch it from then on. It needs to dry. Maybe even take a nap on it, so you get that devil-may-care disheveled look. Lipstick? Since we’re going Free People au natural (right), eat some blueberries and blackberries, but don’t chew them with your teeth–use your lips. Turn those berries into mush! And have a glass of the darkest red wine you can find and deliberately drink it sloppily.
With that part done, it’s time to move on.
The first part of this is a pair of black tights, which I assume everyone has. If not, Uniqlo has a fairly wide selection and they’re fabulous quality. They’ll run you between $4.95-$14.90.
Next, the multicolored shorts. I couldn’t find one that looked like it was half-jean, half-rug, so instead we’re going with these:
Now that you’ve shoehorned yourself into them, the you need a top, because from the look of it, you’re in the middle of a snowy forest where everything is, for some reason, various shades of blue and purple. Let’s take this shirt:
And turn it inside out. Don’t ask questions. Just do it.
You should be on glass of wine number 3 by now.
(Un)fortunately, Free People seems to run the gambit on that style of sweater. I’d know, because I just spent 20 minutes of my life, even going into the annals of Etsy, and I couldn’t find an exact replacement–it breaks my heart just as much as it’s breaking yours. If you want this look, you’ll really just have to go for the Kai Pom Pom Cardigan ($168.00). That said! If you’re willing to bend the rules (of course you are!) I happen to have another solution!
Cut some arm holes and BAM. You’re good to go. Because it is a blanket, it will aid to the homeless look.
Now, it’s time to accessorize. We need a scarf.
PERFECT. Now what you have to do is take a pair of scissors and slice the living fuck out of it. I don’t care how you do it, but it needs to be threadbare and worn, like you found it beneath a SoHo dumpster. Have you done that? Good. Now, look at her fingers.
One for your left, one for your right. Considering their size, you can consider these self-defense weapons! Ah, fashion can also be multipurpose.
Total price to look like Lenny Kravitz post-op? $94.65
The look people give you out of total jealousy while they inexplicably hand you their leftover change and the occasional sandwich? Priceless.