sports / the musings of the boyfriend

College Football’s Remaining Storylines

Seasonal Affective Disorder, in my humble opinion, is bullshit. At the very least, it’s not a specific enough term. We all know the real reason people during this time of year seem like they’re participating in an unspoken-yet-ubiquitous Droopy Dog imitation contest is because the college football regular season is coming to an end. And there isn’t a light-box for that.

Thankfully, all hope is not lost. Though only a few games remain before the bowl season begins, there are plenty of storylines and questions worthy of discussion.

Jordan Lynch Continues to Terrify

Northern Illinois QB Jordan Lynch is a cousin of the famous film director David Lynch. Lynch’s masterpieces include Mulholland Drive, Twin Peaks, and that bizarre Disney move about an old geezer who drives a tractor in a straight line until he reaches enlightenment or dies or something. The footballin’ Lynch’s masterpieces include participating in an incredibly abstract form of Billy the Bulldozer cosplay/LARP-ing and putting up crazy statistics.

Okay, the two guys aren’t actually related. Whatever. But that Disney movie is real. And Jordan Lynch is better than Johnny goddamn Football. If you don’t have plans to watch the MAC title game between Northern Illinois and Kent State—say, you have a social life and/or friends—consider tuning in. At the very least, know that the winner will likely make a BCS bowl game and therefore enrage millions of people.

What’ll Nebraska and Wisconsin Wear on Saturday?

Because they set the bar darn high during their first matchup, obviously. I think hospitals should keep footage of that game on hand in case they need to induce vomiting.

The designers called this look “Emetic”

It’s One Week ‘til Army Plays Navy

It’s a disgrace how many folks who don’t even care about football 99% of the year choose to watch the Super Bowl. If you’re one of those types of people, shame on you. Instead of being a one-day fan of the most overly corporatized sport spectacle on the planet, dedicate your yearly single-dose of football viewing to the Army versus Navy game.

Both teams run the same triple option offense—the greatest offense of all time—and have been doing so for decades. None of these players involved will ever be fawned over like Manti Te’o, nor will they be seeing lucrative NFL contracts in a year or two. It’s not glamorous football and the game likely won’t be close (Navy has dominated the series recently), but it’s damn inspiring.

As an American, the Army/Navy game should be up there with the 4th of July in terms of a patriotic responsibility. That’s not even a joke. I’m going to BBQ regardless of the temperature outside and I encourage you to do the same.

Which Mascot Fight Would Be Coolest IRL?

It has to be from the Alabama versus Georgia game, right? How is a Bulldog going to fight a cranberry bog (which is what I assume a Crimson Tide is)? Will the dog drown in the red-hued depths or lap up all the delicious, antioxidant-rich water? I MUST KNOW.

That Whole “Heisman” Thing…

…is an irrefutable sham if Marqise Lee doesn’t win (yes, I realize USC lost the game depicted in that link, but that doesn’t change the fact I’m absolutely frightened Lee has one more year of eligibility left). There isn’t a single player in the nation who can alter a game as quickly as Lee. He also knows sign language since both is parents are deaf, which I’d say is pretty cool.

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