Not too long ago, I had a bit of a lapse in inspiration for what to write. I sat around and started imaginary conversations with myself. Should I write about how I hardly have any socks and the ones I do own have holes? My inability to find socks when I need them? Why I hate wearing socks to sleep? Why do I only ever find one patterned sock and never the other? Then, like a lightning strike of brilliance, the BF wrote to me proposed a ludicrous debate. Golf v. Soccer. I accepted. There are at least a thousand reasons as to why soccer is a far, far superior sport to golf, but I’ll narrow it down to these:
1. More universal.
Soccer isn’t played that much in the US, but it should be likened to football, baseball and basketball in terms of availability. You don’t need a massive putting green, you don’t need a set of clubs; all you need is a ball. A part of the popularity is the cost of the sport making it more accessible—the cost of a ball is less than a set of golf clubs. I imagine it’s so much easier to buy an energetic child a ball to keep them distracted, than to get them to be remotely interested in the difference in clubs and when to use them. Besides, think of the social implications for that child. “I’ll be late to the arcade, I have soccer practice.” versus “I’ll be late to the calculus study party I’m having for myself, I have golf practice.” We know who will be ridiculed, we all know.
2. More exciting.
If you say that a golf tournament is more exciting than the FIFA world cup, you are so freakin’ heartbreakingly disillusioned. I’ll try to accept some arguments that a soccer field is too long to really generate a lot of action all the time, but golf never generates action ever. Case in point, the fans. Golf fans look like they’re watching a moldy retiree decay in Floridian humidity rather than rallying around someone they want to win any kind of sport. Their appreciation of a good swing, if they have any enthusiasm they can spare, is lackluster and awkward at best. There is a reason that being on the receiving end of a golf clap is never a good thing, in fact it makes you feel ashamed.
Soccer fans, on the other hand, are fucking insane, and it is fucking awesome. Maybe golf has a classier, staunch, more uptight appeal, but even Germany’s Angela Merkel got down for die Nationalmannschaft, and no one knows class, staunchiness and being uptight quite like a German. Know why? Because soccer releases the corsets of even the most repressed.
3. Better looking athletes.
While I don’t get hot and bothered by Cristiano Ronaldo—a guy that looks like the happiest moment in his life is when he self-pleasures himself amongst a hot tub of canary diamonds is not what I go for—it’s so, so obvious that men in soccer are hotter than men who golf. Their bodies have been chiseled into beautiful sculpted masterpieces from years of training, the high-energy (see #2) pace of the game keeping up their heart rate and working magic beneath their flamboyantly colored jerseys. Know what is better than a soccer player? A soccer player drenched in sweat mid-game screaming in happiness after a well-executed play.
The attractiveness of soccer players is not even gender dependent. Female soccer players are foxy, too! Sure, they’d probably be able to destroy a man with their thigh muscles, but if Goldeneye taught me anything, it’s that, that is kind of a sexual benefit.
5. Excellent acting chops.
Soccer players are the kings of crocodile tears and watching a game is sometimes like watching a soap opera. At any given moment, you can be thrust into a debate of “are those tears real or is he just really good at faking it?”, just like watching daytime tv! While it sometimes induces severe eyerolling, for the most part, it is just kind of hilarious. Roll out the red carpet, I think we have our next Daytime Emmy nominees.
6. Awesome music.
When was the last time a golf anthem took the world by storm and subsequently made it shimmy? Even the music of soccer is exciting, vibrant and amazing! If you want my opinion, and of course you do, this is the nail in the coffin for golf.
At the end of the day, comparing soccer to golf is like comparing the spiciest, most delicious you’ve ever had in your life to a bowl of unseasoned, uncooked farina.