As the American legend Hank Hill once said, “Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.” Now, I’m not sure if those exact words are historically accurate, but, since they can’t be disproven, I’m going to assume they’re true. No matter your appreciation of passing or your love of metrosexual Europeans, it is impossible to deny that soccer is a tad boring to watch. Golf, on the other hand, thanks to its superior athletes, better fans, and higher levels of drama, is riveting.
Yes, I’m aware that soccer involves a lot of “running”: kilometers, even! However, it also involves a lot of flopping and whining. Every time some greasy-haired midfielder writhes on the ground in what appears to be unspeakable agony, it slows up the speed of the game. I though these guys were supposed to be in shape? Golf, however, involves continuous movement. Anyone who has ever been in a grocery store line behind some shuffling, molasses-like geriatric knows how slow the elderly can be. With that in mind, watching one of them march 18 holes without complaining and faking injuries gives them they clear upper hand over so-called soccer “athletes.”
If the antics of soccer players can be grating, the fans are far worse. Attention drunk people in the stands: nobody wants to hear you sing or chant en masse. Unless you’re actually going to work on your harmonics and arrange yourselves by octave-reaching abilities, it’s going to sound horrible. Now tell me, what would you rather have: inebriated bellowing from mammoth men sporting body paint or respectful silence punctuated by polite applause from esteemed gents? Which environment would you rather raise a child in? I thought so.
It’s astounding, given the intensity of golf, that these fans are able to maintain their composure at all times. Let’s lay it out like this: the World Cup, which is the one soccer event I’m legally obligated as an American citizen to pretend to care about, happens once every four years. Yawn. That’s three years of boredom right there. Major championships on the PGA tour, however, happen four times a year. That’s, like, four opportunities for cardiac arrest. Four more chances to see a legendary moment live. Four more thrilling Thursday through Sunday TV binges (that’s four days!). “Fore,” is also something you yell in golf, which I think ties in somehow. Basically, math=golf is better.
Given these factors, it befuddles me as to why and how someone could prefer watching soccer…unless you are not American. In which case I totally understand and respect your right to kick a ball around for ninety minutes, but I must confess that I’m eagerly awaiting the day globalization brings our brand of football to your tiny nation. If you live in America however, and own the large-scale cable package that is your Constitutional right, you better get that TiVo (also a Constitutional right) set to record the U.S. Open and the Masters. If you want to watch soccer, you might as well watch paint dry (or, more accurately, watch a bunch of drunk hooligans scream at a fence while the paint on it dries).