It’s that time again! With Black Friday plaguing retailers everywhere, there is no shortage of sales on tacky-ass clothing. Well, okay, not necessarily tacky, but things you’d have to pay me pretty luxuriously to get me to wear. Are you ready? It’s time for an overdue edition of Trends I’m Sick Of!
- Male jeggings.
While researching my last entry on trends that I loathe, I came across a very scary, very frightening phenomenon that I didn’t even know existed until I was excavating the annals of the internet to find a picture of dudes in girl pants. We all know jeggings, right? The extremely questionable pairing of leggings and jeans that preteens are all about. Well, lucky you! Jeggings are no longer defined by gender. After Tim Gunn said that jeggings were “not just [for] ladies,” the popularity of these abominations skyrocketed and were subsequently seen on runways like Versace, Emporio Armani, John Varvatos and Burberry Prorsum. So much so that they adopted a new name. Meggings. Get it? Men+Jeggings. Get it? Get it? Good. I wouldn’t want that feat of wit to go ignored. Now, they’re going to be hard to find on a budget, so if you really want to look like a Williamsburg hipster or have your nether regions smushed between flesh and denim, you’ll have to return to the woman’s section of the store, but considering that I don’t like jeggings on the best styled women, I think I’m going to definitely give this a big fat thumbs down for men.
- Co-ords (aka silk pajama sets for everyday wear).
About a month ago, I expressed to my mother my desire for a pair of nice, black slacks with a tapered leg that I could dress up and dress down while feeling like an old British man, if only because I’d be pairing it with a collared shirt and sweater—this is not a diss on myself, I’ll have you know, because I’m all about that “borrowed from the boys” trend, because, uh, duh, cozy sweaters. Anyway, mom said that I should use my awesome/amazing/magical powers of online shopping to find a pair that fit my fancy. I was unsuccessful (sob), but along the way I found something…disturbing.
For a moment, I was disturbed and confused. I thought about my life, my choices, everything I had done to get to this point in my life and realized that what I saw was hardly, barely an upgrade—a very, very expensive $250+ upgrade—from what hungover university students wear to their noon classes, and I hated them. My desire to infuse my wardrobe with patterns easily outweighed by my utter horror that this is real life. Refinery29 calls them “Co-Ords,” because the top pattern matches the bottom and it looks like you coordinated to have it that way. Clever. The problem is that this is tacky as fuck and shouldn’t be replicated ever. Silk sets, if anything, belong in bed. Sure, it kind of reminds me of dressing like an old man, but not in the “man, that’s one fine chunk-knit sweater you’ve got there”-way, but a wannabe Hugh Hefner “you’re not wearing underwear right now…huh?”-way.
- Pink hair.
Sometime last year, an interesting, weird thing started happening around college campuses. It was no longer cool to have feather extensions (shocker), and dyed highlights returned as the norm. Of course, this didn’t last long and girls who are always on the edge of their seat for a bit of an edge in their life started thinking. “Ombre hair!” they think, “that must be the answer! But…but who wants normal people colored hair? Next time I tell my friends I got my hair done, I need to be a cut above the rest.” So, she opens up a bottle of wine and watches some NetFlix for inspiration. She bypasses horror (“I don’t want to like, scare people.”), drama (“My cat thinks I’m dramatic enough.”), foreign films (“I’d rather go swimming in Venice, ew.”), and starts to feel extremely hopeless. “Will I never be unique?” She then finds the holy grail in the family genre (“who doesn’t want to be family friendly?”), Strawberry Shortcake. “YES! That’s it! She’s sassy, she’s sweet, she’s fun, just like me! But, still, maybe she’s too young. I need to look like Strawberry Shortcake just rolled out of the bed of a forlorn lover after a raging kegger and Ke$ha tunes. Lo! I am brilliant!” No, you’re not. It doesn’t matter if it’s the whole head, ombre bottom tint or streaks. You look like a sloppy, tacky, try-hard-trendy, messy-drunk kind of girl who tries too hard to be noticed and might have, on at least one occasion, fellated a unicorn.
Hope you guys are getting your shop on at severely reduced prices, just try to be classy about it.