Much like opera and big-game safari hunting, football is meant to be experienced live and in person. It’s scientifically impossible to fully immerse yourself in the event from the comfort of your crumb-filled, mildewed sofa. There aren’t many opportunities in life where it is permissible to publicly scream obscenities and hug random strangers, so it is critical that you take advantage of every opportunity to do so. If you don’t, you are an ungrateful and unpatriotic American.
(Entirely unrelated: Can we discuss how “Civil War” is by far the best Guns N’ Roses song? Because it is. End of discussion).
When deciding which team to root for, it is important to consider who offers the better stadium experience. Let’s start with Autzen, home of the Ducks. In case you haven’t heard, Autzen is loud. Autzen is so loud, ENT doctors forbid the elderly from being within a six-mile radius on Saturdays. Part of the noise factor is due to the architectural design, which involves a lot of complicated math to explain, and part of it is due to the fact it holds 10,000 more people than the Beavers’ Reser Stadium (which is far more simple, liberal-arts level math). Seeing a game there is an experience you won’t forget, mainly because the hearing-aides you’ll have to invest in starting the next day are often expensive and not covered by cut-rate insurance companies.
However, there is one critical component of the stadium experience that the Beavers have over the Ducks: location. Sure, Autzen is raucous and flashy, but it’s also inconveniently located about as far from campus as Mordor is from the Shire. Trudging countless miles to and from games, stuck in a gridlock of thousands of people all trying to cross one bridge, is beyond frustrating. Reser, on the other hand, is easily accessible from whatever local bar or park you’ve likely done your pregame drinking at*. While Reser may not have the glamour and glitz of Autzen, the convenience of not having to plan for hours of walking time is a huge advantage. Plus, Reser is the maker of delicious microwavable burritos, which played a pivotal roll in the development of my highly sophisticated Palate. That’s a big bonus.
Verdict: As Memphis Bleek said on the song 1-900-Hustler, “Get in, get out, that’s an OG’s classic.” That’s exactly my attitude when it comes to transporting myself to and from football games. The slow and tedious journey required by Duck fans doesn’t, in the end, outweigh the excitement and rowdiness experienced within Autzen. In a shocking upset, OSU wins today’s category and wins the overall week 3-2. Go Beavs!
*Pro Tip: If you’re looking for parking around Reser, I have one bit of advice: don’t. You’ll either end up paying some college kids $15 to park in their lawn or get stuck in a giant parking lot that’s impossible to navigate out of when the game ends. If you’re willing to walk an easy 20 or so minutes, I HIGHLY recommend parking by Harding Elementary. When the game ends, you’ll be able to travel faster on foot than people in their cars. It’s entirely worth it if you’re looking to avoid traffic congestion.