Sometimes, when I’m not in her doghouse for having an “incorrect opinion” on something, my girlfriend allows me to post on Hot Diggity Daffodil. Today we shall discuss the reasons why college football is better than the NFL. Enjoy!
In case you don’t follow sports or aren’t a red-blooded American (okay, blood is technically blue when it’s in your veins, but the thought of that always creeps me out for some reason), I have a bit of information for you: weekends are for football. I suppose they can be for family and church as well, but all those things are what I like to call “low priorities” in relation to watching large strangers concuss one another for a couple of hours. The problem is, you simply can’t devote all 48 hours of your weekend to football watching—that’s just gluttonous (not to mention neglectful to both your family and your increasingly-vengeful god). You’re allowed one day and one day only of football viewing and, given those parameters, I suggest you make that day Saturday.
(This assumes you know that college football is played on Saturdays and the NFL is on Sundays. That’s an important point).
1) Fight Songs
I suppose the NFL technically has fight songs, although you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who can name more than one or two. Commonly, the aural experience of the NFL is having the latest Black Eyed Peas song blasted over loudspeakers to a stadium of people about twenty years older than the band’s target demographic. College football, on the other hand, has legendary fight songs. Legendary. Even if you aren’t a fan of Notre Dame or USC (and you shouldn’t be, because rooting for those schools revokes your right to owning a soul), chances are you’d recognize their respective fight songs within fifteen seconds of hearing them. Plus, a live band plays these anthems. Have you ever been to a concert? Live music is expensive. You’re getting it for free, plus you’re supporting the arts and all that feel-good stuff. On a slightly tangential music note, consider songs with “Saturday” in the title versus those with “Sunday.” You have “Saturday” by Ludacris and “A Rolling Skating Jam Named Saturdays” by De La Soul versus “Sunday Bloody Sunday” by U2 (the world’s most grating band) and “You Are My Sunday” by Jessica Simpson (the world’s leader in making it difficult to say “culturally relevant” with a straight face).
2) A Champion Determined by Computers
Oh, you think that’s a negative for college football? Really? Let’s see…do you use Facebook to arrange your social life? Do you rely on the Internet or a television for your news? Do you unwind by playing a video game or watching a Betamax? Yes, yes you do. Don’t lie. The fact that we live in a culture defined by and reliant upon technology is undeniable. I say, the sooner we embrace our inevitable subservience to artificially intelligent overlords, the better. Having a playoff system is about as antiquated as reading books and making butter with one of those wooden churns you find in pioneer museums. If you want your champion determined “on the field,” as is done in the NFL, you may as well forfeit your right to use electricity.
3) The Social Acceptability of the Fans
Watching drunk-to-the-gills college kids shout loudly for a few hours while they struggle with bouts of alcohol poisoning is kind of cute and endearing. Watching middle-aged men with beer bellies and age-induced gynecomastia berate guys half their age is both unsettling and sad. Unless you’re a professional Spassmacher (that’s German for “clown.” See, this blog is educational) or a semi-professional Tammy Faye Bakker impersonator, it’s unacceptable to wear face-paint if you’re over 35.
4) The Lack of Jealousy
Yes, college football players are the “big men on campus,” which, in the event of your likely less-than-cool social status (either previous or current), may sting a bit. However, you can at least comfort yourself by considering how these players are devoting more time to playing a game than earning a degree and ergo are unlikely to earn more money than you in the long run (because, you know, a college degree guarantees riches!). Watching guys born in the freaking 1990’s (I’m looking at you, RG III) earn obscene millions for throwing around a ball made of dead animal skin, on the other hand, will drive you into a despondency-spiral that’ll likely end in shameful sobbing.
5) The Ability to Drink (Heavily)
Trust me, nursing a hangover at work on Monday morning as your boss hits you with a motivational speech is about as fun as an un-anaesthetized root canal performed by a dental school dropout. You can indeed get drunk on a Sunday but, honestly, you’ll have to limit yourself. Have you ever wondered why all NFL beer advertisements are for shitty beers like Coors Lite and Bud Lite? It’s because it’s almost physically impossible to get drunk on that swill. Anything is fair game on a Saturday, though. You have a full 24 hours to recover before lucidity is necessary.
Plus, in the event you do something moronic while drunk such as throw a bench through a car window or sell your pet’s organs online, you can always mumble some requests for forgiveness at church on Sunday……which you’ll be able to attend……because you watched football on Saturday! See how it all ties in?