Being a reasonably attractive lady, I have had my fair share of men hitting on me at bars, in class, public transportation, what have you. Despite my actual relationship experience being limited, my first relationship was short and came to me late in the game, yet left a delightfully horrible impression and, thinking that that’s how all relationships would be, decided to forego putting myself through a similar shade of hell—luckily, Mr. Current is basically Mr. Freaking Wonderful and has proved that wrong, I’ve decided to spread my wisdom. Before Mr. Current—well, sometimes they still happen, more on that later—the come-ons were strong and while not all of them were horribly offensive, enough were to warrant a post on how-to and how-to-not hit on women, because, dudes, in a culture of feeling forever alone, stop dooming yourself!
First off, I think that it is going to be impossible to start off a valuable relationship when you meet bumping and grinding in a club, because when you’re two steps away from blackout drunk, you won’t be making A+ life decisions. A bar? A bar can be slightly different, if only because you don’t have to scream over music (sometimes) and you can actually have decent conversation (sometimes). If you’re looking for a hook up, this probably isn’t the guide for you, because I can’t really relate to people who give instabooty, therefore don’t know how they think or what would be a turn off/on. Why do I have the liberty to explain this? Well, someone has to. I also have crazy high standards and a low tolerance for bullshit.
I’ll be using the personal experiences of my friends and myself, you know, to keep things fair.
GUY: “That’s a beautiful blue. It matches your eyes. You know. If they weren’t, like, brown.”
I call this the “James Bond gone horribly wrong.” This guy thinks he is so suave that he doesn’t actually know what you look like at all. When he saw you, all that registered was female, must attempt to mate, and he, being the pinnacle of man, decided he’d try. He won’t listen to a single word you say, say line after line, and talk about himself. You know he’s going to start leaning too close into you, probably is going to try to grope some part of your body, and then say that he’d like to buy you a drink—forgoing to mention the roofie he’ll probably add when you start sending distress signals to your girls. You know, for flavor. What was your name again?
GUY: “Hey, let me buy you a drink.”
GIRL: “No, my boyfriend wouldn’t like that.” / “No, I’m married.” / suspiciously large diamond ring on a girl
These are all huge, blatant signs of “don’t even try, buddy.” Just stop. Don’t even try. Could the girl be lying about having a significant other? Sure! Could she actually have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other at home or in the bathroom or just not within their immediate radius and you should respect that? Yup. Oh yeah, we’ve all done it, but the fact of the matter is, if she lies, she’s doing it for a reason. She doesn’t want to talk to you. If she was into cheating, she wouldn’t tell you that she was taken.
GUY: loudly orders a very, very expensive drink while making uncomfortable eye contact (picture of creepy guy at a bar)
Ohhh, wow, you can order expensive liquor while visually assaulting a girl who is definitely the age of your possible daughter. Don’t be the guy that the girls talk about when they go to the bathroom in a group and proceed to get out of there. Don’t be the guy they bring up when they mention the bar in a memory, your base-level creepiness multiplied by Joffrey Baratheon—in the girl’s memories, you’ve become one of two things: the butt of an anecdotal joke or the reason the girls will never go back to that bar again. Are you harmless? Maybe. Are the girls overreacting? Probably. Do you want to take that chance? Do you?
GUY: “You know why the sun is shining? Because I’m here talking to you. We should do it more often.”
Hoooold the fuck up, Zapp Brannigan. I know lines work on some people, in fact, a lot of girls actually like lines. I loathe them. Unless they’re completely strange and/or related to one of the things I geek out about, thereby making me laugh and not making me cringe, I don’t even want to hear them. They always sound so forced or like you specifically Google searched “pickup lines about sun.” Instead of making genuine conversation, this is a lead in to “you should be so thankful that I’m talking to you, girl who will surely fall for me. I could be talking to anyone else in the room, but you’re my lucky pick.” BAAAAAARF barf baarf barf. TELL ME MORE about how I should be lucky that this unwanted conversation is happening! Oh? You’re god’s gift to women? You love long walks on the beach? Your favorite things are commitment and changing yourself? Stop telling the girl at the bar what you think she wants to hear, because she doesn’t.
GUY: “What’s up? So, I just got off probation.”
Uh…are you appealing to the ill-fated badboy love that apparently all woman have? Are you telling me that your weekends are now free because you won’t be checking into your parole officer when you want to get milk at Safeway? Are you trying to get me to guess what you’ve done to be on probation in the first place? If it’s the last one, that’s a horrible idea, because my mind is going to go from zero to rapist in .03 seconds. The longer you hit on me, the worse the crime that you did will become. If you do have a shadier past than you are necessarily proud of, how about bringing that up when there is some kind of mutual investment and not, oh, the first sentence that you say to a girl? Frankly, it is going to freak her out. Guess who isn’t going to do the nasty with you if you scare her? Any girl ever.
I’m not even going to go into why this shouldn’t be allowed. As someone who has been catcalled while waiting at bus stops when she was in middle school, it isn’t flattering or alluring and any woman who actually enjoys it has serious freakin’ issues. This is one of the worst ways because you aren’t even granting her the backhanded honor of a line that you’ve used on other girls or cheap conversation, you’re just making some animalistic noise and hoping that it gets her motor running and she’ll forget that she finds you absolutely repulsive, fall in love with you and make you a sandwich after you have sex. Women are not your pet dogs. Women are not your bitches. Don’t call them like one.
GUY: “Hey, you’re pretty hot. Ever made out with a chick?”
Nope, but now I have the urge to never talk to a man again. Thanks.
GUY: “Yeah, you know, like, today was a really long day. I think I’m going to go home, watch some porn and release pent up energy.”
Absolutely do not mention your masturbatory habits. Ever. I know it may sound like common sense, but from personal experience of this being brought up, it needs to be stated that this is a NO. Just don’t do it. We know what you do in your alone time, we don’t need to hear it. No, it does not make you seem frisky or show how amazing you’ll be in bed. It only exemplifies your loneliness and inability to get booty. Oh, fapping is good practice? Tell me more about how you think vaginas are like lotioned palms and/or gym socks.
Guys, I understand that it’s hard to know what to say to girls, because girls are intimidating and some of them are horrible people. However, in the immortal words of my friend Lizzy, treat girls in the way you’d want your little sister to be treated when she’s approached by a guy. If you don’t have a sister, use your imagination. If you would want to punch a guy for using the line you’re thinking of using, on your little sister—just say no. People always complain about how girls are tricky, how they’re so much more complicated than guys. Well, that may be true in certain aspects, but in this? Follow the KISS method. Keep it simple, stupid.
Now if you excuse me, I have college football to watch. Go Ducks!