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The Casual Vacancy, a play-by-play review, part four.

Are you guys ready for the beginning of the end? What’ll we have ahead of us, I wonder. More drugs, I’m guessing, probably some sexing up, hopefully no more rape, and a lot more drama. Contrived plot-twists, away! Warning, there will be spoilers and snark. Take heed.

The Casual Vacancy, part five, “Part Four.”

Pg331: “Samantha Mollison had now bought herself all three of the DVDs released by Libby’s favorite boyband.” Yes, oh yes, oh yes. Where there is darkness, there is Samantha, with her fucking loony toons libido.

Pg334: I feel sort of bad for Parminder, but she should have treated her daughter better. On the other hand, any sense of gratification that Howard, Shirley and Maureen get out of this makes me feel queasy. My feels, they are so confused!

Pg348: Howard: I’M NOT FAT, I’M BIG BONED. Hey, uh, mind handing me one of those fresh baked doughnuts? Make that two.

Pg350: Good girl Gaia. What she did for Sukhvinder was actually…sweet.

Pg351: Samantha was getting all lusty after Andrew until she saw his acne and her libido was cut short. Man, feeling kind of bad for Andrew, you know? But I’m fairly confident that Samantha has just found her replacement boyband member, and I’m cringing already.

Pg354: “Bloody hell, people round here are effing mental.” Could not have said it better myself, Gaia. You are quickly regaining my favor.

Pg359: Colin just slugged his son for sleeping with Krystal. Is abuse currency in this town? Is there a chart in the parish that has little gold stars for the worse the blow is?

Pg362: Saw this coming from a mile away. Is JKR trying to make some sort of point about internet terrorism? About how the youth of the world is fighting their battles through a veil or something? Because this is getting really redundant and really ridiculous. Blah blah blah Fats is going to trash his father on the internet blah blah blah over it. Interesting the first time, okay the second time, stupid as fuck the third time. I wonder who will be next? Will Samantha trash her husband while watching youtube clips of the boyband member she’s in love with? PROBABLY.

Pg365: HOLD THE PHONE, Colin actually does fantasize about underage girls? He might have molested someone? Jeez Louis, what the fucking hell is in the water in Pagford?

Author’s Note: Know what I think these people need? Pets. They need some dogs and cats for affection, because they’re definitely not getting it from each other. No one can deny a puppy or kitten.

Pg375: File “stuck his tongue into her mouth” under Phrases that I’d rather not associate with kissing but are about kissing.

Pg380: Fuck it, I hope Krystal gets pregnant with Fats’ child. Ugh.

Pg389: Parminder sorta forgot about that whole Dr-Patient confidentiality thing and told the entire council how much of a fatass Howard is and how expensive all of his time in the hospital has been, making everyone scream bloody murder andddd she’s totally fucked, even if Howard does deserve it. tbh I hope he has a heart attack and dies.

Pg394: la la la la Samantha dreaming about sex with boyband member Jake while having sex with her smarmy husband la la la la

Pg401: Gavin just admitted to Kay (and to himself, probably, because that makes it poetic) that he’s in love with Mary and has always been, it just took the death of his best friend to realize he had the hots for his wife. Nevermind that it has been less than a month after the dead. SWOOP IN, GAVIN. Save her from her emotional misery! Or whatever!

Summary of my feels: With 100 pages left in JKR’s sophomore efforts at a series, loose ends are starting to be tied off and forgotten about. I’m going to tell you one thing for sure, Miles is going to win Barry’s place in office, because there is little to no suspense for that section of the plot, and everyone else is probably going to vacate Pagford for equally unhappy lives in other places, not that we’ll see that happen—I’m grateful for that, though, because the last thing I want to read is another JKR epilogue. With my fucks nowhere to be found, I’m taking a break from this beast. I’ll finish it off when I get back from recalibrating my give-a-shit-meter.

———

The Casual Vacancy, part six, “Part Five.”

Pg405: Alright, so we’re opening this part with Terri and Krystal having a fight over Terri’s probable use of heroin now that the clinic will, almost certainly, close. That’s what happens when those bigwigs win! (says J.K. Rowling, who is richer than god. Ok.) Of course Terri doesn’t believe that her dealer raped Krystal.

Pg413: I knew Miles would win. Didn’t I know? Of course he won. Oh and fyi Samantha bought concert tickets so she and her youngest daughter could bond over the abs of the boybander. That is, until that small pleasure was stolen from her by her youngest daughter’s friend who pitched a fit when she realized that Libby was going with her mom and not her or some other teen girl bullshit that I don’t understand. Samantha is horrifically unhappy that she now has to spend time kissing Miles’ ass and supporting him when her entire libido-based mood was riding (lol) on seeing this 21 year old hottie.

Pg414: Andrew is blowdrying his hair.

Pg415: “Gaia was available and vulnerable.” Looks like Andrew is lookin’ for some rebounded action.

Pg417: Woohoo! Shirley is homophobic and hates her daughter for it. Touching.

Pg420: Samantha is teasing Andrew’s puberties with her goodies. CALLED IT. DID I NOT? Fucking called it.

Pg425: And now Mrs. Cougar is telling everyone about the tenants of a good marriage. She’s so, so good at being a bitch.  I’d take notes, but I like having friends.

Pg428: Patricia the disliked daughter is too cool for school. And apparently a-okay with drunk driving.

Pg429: Fats apparently hates Andrew now and then Andrew left him outside with a super drunk Gaia. This is going to end just like everyone knows it’s going to end.

Pg430: AND IT HAPPENED. Yup. Fats and Gaia mackin’ hardcore and Sukhvinder’s upset because her best friend (I guess?) is making out with her primary antagonist and I’m sure Andrew’s only thought is “whatever happened to bros before hos?” lol no but seriously their friendship is over.

Pg431: And then Samantha made out with an equally plastered Andrew. So gross, man. So gross.

Pg432: Simon and Andrew are now going to bond over being miserable, because they’re moving out of Pagford. Might as well make it a big, explosive bang?

Pg437:  This morning after seems like hell for everyone involved.  Things are currently pretty calm, minus the hangovers and feeling shitty for various reasons.

Pg439: Krystal discovered her mother using and her rapist sleeping in her bed, subsequently took Robbie and ran the fuck away. Who can blame her at this point?

Pg440: The_Ghost_of_Barry_Fairbrother (manned by Simon and Andrew, obviously) has struck again! This time? It’s Howard’s turn to have his entire life unhinged and this may be poetic justice. Oh, you mean he’s been having an affair with his skeletal business partner for how many years? You mean she’s been getting sample tastings behind the counter at the delicatessen? Shocked!

Pg447: Newsflash! Making out with 16 year old boys will destroy your marriage, or at least make the problems that you’ve already been having painfully apparent. Protip: Miles, if your wife is trying to talk to you about her feelings, do not override them with what your mother, who she always hated, says/thinks about her. You’re gonna have a bad time.

Pg449: “But he balked at the idea of fucking in front of a three year-old.” WOW! Fats has standards! Very, very low standards, sure, but they’re there nonetheless! Krystal? Uhhh………….not so much.

Pg456: Know that awkward feeling when your best friend’s widow rejects you? Me neither.

Pg458: Judging on the frequency of people mentioning Andrew’s EpiPen, he’s probably going to need it. Judging how close we are to the end of the book, he might die because of people fucking around with it. Time’ll tell!

Pg460: Robbie is alone because Krystal was fucking Fats and is thirsty after she gave him rolos to tide him over and he’s thirsty, as luck would have it, he’s by a river. Wonder where this is going!

Pg462: Sukhvinder found Robbie in the fucking river. She jumped in after him and sliced her leg up and THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Pg463: APPARENTLY, Shirley was going to go home and stab Howard’s fat stomach with Andrew’s EpiPen (he lives for another day!) but instead found Howard having a heart attack on the floor. Can I tell the future, or is the book really just that contrived? Let’s go back to page 389:

[…] even if Howard does deserve it. tbh I hope he has a heart attack and dies.

I should really become a TV psychic, at this point.

Pg465: Sukhvinder managed to get Robbie out of the river but it was already too late, and also needed to have someone help her. Know who did? A stranger with a dog. SEE? People in this town need a freakin’ animal sheltere visit.  In more comedic news, because we need it, Howard was so fat that they had problem getting him on the stretcher.

Summary of my feels: There is a tiny bit left of the book, but I’m wrapping up this post right now so that I can do the next section as well as an overall book review, because I know this page-by-page deal isn’t for everyone, so, thanks for sticking with me so far! This past section was one big eye-roll of “well, of course that would happen,” which has basically been how I’ve felt the whole book. I just…I can’t really figure out my feelings because I’m just so baffled. What in the hell did I just read?

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