I’m debating making Trends I’m sick of… a weekly thing, but I’m not sure if I have enough things that I hate to keep it going (haaaa). Just kidding, my blood pumps with haterade. I will offer my opinion on fashion and comment accordingly. I may not be considered fashionable by all standards, but I am opinionated enough to make up for it. Lucky you! Click to read on!
Due to my complexion, pastels just do not work on me, at all. They wash me out, they make me look violently ill, and it is all around just a bad thing. For a while, I was envious of people who can wear pastels, making their entire outfits look like an homage to Easter eggs and pretty floral Spring-y scenes that you find in cheap wooden frame at thrift markets—fuck yes. I wanted to live in those colors, to say “FUCK YOU, OLIVE SKIN!” and relish in the baby blues, sunbeam yellows and oranges (because all oranges look horrible on me). Eventually, I woke up. I now know that I will never be able to be a Martha Stewart dream and it is something I’m going to have to live with. But….somewhere along this road, something horrible was happening to pastels. They were becoming more vibrant, while still maintaining their hue. We’re talking Resident Evil T-Virus mutation. It turned into something so garish, so horrible, so…neon.
Sure, it started as harmless accents—a stripe here, the cap toes of shoes, the hems of otherwise solidly colored dresses, the top of an envelope clutch there—but it began to morph into something uncontrollable, and soon the streets of college towns, trails of parks and the blocks of cities began to look like the pen section of Office Depot. It’s gotta stop. It doesn’t matter if it’s from a high-end or low-end retailer, or your frat/sorority letters telling people to rush in a lazy knockoff of Run DMC’s typeface, it’s an assault on everyone around and makes the highlighters of the world cry.
To quote Helen Lovejoy, won’t somebody please think of the highlighters?
- High-waisted anything.
I really love the comeback of retro-inspired fashion. I think it is classy and freaking awesome that people are looking at Madmen and seeing a transformation of their wardrobe into something that isn’t Forever21 Skanky or neon animal print. I love it, I think it’s great. That said, high-waisted blue jeans look like the cast of Full House reborn and high-waisted shorts can either look amazing, or like a diaper—at least those come in a lot of different flavors, like scalloped, grandmother sweater and what ever the hell this is. Want to guess which happens more often? Sometimes people make it look fierce, like some kind of retro goddess machine that you want to bow to, but it isn’t often, nor is it body-dependent. Most people, thin or otherwise, just can’t pull them off. For example, beloved for Leelo, hated for all other cinematic endeavors, former model Milla Jovovich:
Most supermodels, former or otherwise, could leave the house wearing a hessian sack and look fabulous. This? This is solid fucking proof that it just makes your crotch look massively large, long, and jeaned. Let’s not even talk about the rest of it, though, because then we’d be here all night and I’m sure I’ve got other shit to do than talk about the 70s themed whatthefuck going on here. The moral of the story is, if you look in the mirror and can go through a cameltoe, seemingly huge vag and no-diaper check, then you are good to go. Otherwise? Leave this trend in embarrassing Studio 54 memories.
- Men in tight pants.
I have never liked the look of men in tight pants. First, it started out with the punk boys in high school that wore eunuch-level tight pants, making their female counterparts look as if they needed to downgrade a size for the suction-cup way their pants stuck to the skin.
If my opinion doesn’t matter, just think of the actual health repercussions for this fashion misstep. THINK OF THEM! Yes, I know, women put their health at risk by wearing high heels, cheap F21/Charlotte Russe China-made jewelry, etc, but if there is one way to get dudes to listen, just get their junk involved. On a few fashion discussions boards—HEY, research is research!—many men jump to defend their wearing of the jeans, claiming that the most fashion forward men wear skinny jeans, that men’s fashion is becoming more womanly because woman’s fashion is becoming more manly (no comment on this side, broski, but you might have some other underlying problems), and “I’m an older man and skinny jeans make me feel skinny, and they’re comfortable. And not in a gay way, either” (er….yeah, again with other underlying problems), “Some guys can wear them, like Gerard Way, but like, others can’t, like the Jonas Brothers or One Direction. Punk guys are smoking hot!” (bonus: actual linked picture), and “ppl think gurls are the only ones who take theyre x’s clothes, but now i buy ex-gf jeans!” Through my perusing of the internet, I’ve come to two conclusions: people need to spell shit out and I will never date a man who wears skinny jeans, because the probability of him overcompensating/shopping at hot topic/gay-bashing/being a douche are very, very high.
That isn’t to say that sagging is any better. It isn’t. NEXT!