opinions / theoretical situations

I Wouldn’t Last 8 Seconds During a Zombie Attack, Nor Would I Want To.

Zombies are a hot trend, a cultural phenomenon that is not making any moves to disappear anytime soon, and one that I never really fell in line with. I played the first Resident Evil game, I’ve played Deadlight, I’ve watched 28 Days Later, the original Dawn of the Dead, Shawn of the Dead, Zombieland, Shanks (because pedophilia and puppeteers were a-okay in the 70s…I guess) and enjoyed all of them (except maybe that last one), but I’ve never latched onto The Walking Dead, comic or series, or any other modern reiteration. I’m not sure why, yet where some people yell “YES ZOMBIES!” or “Dude, zombies are so sick.” or “Did you hear about the latest undead movie?” I am not jumping for joy. Maybe it is because of the latest Resident Evil movie (which destroyed the legitimacy of the games), or the fact that Uwe Boll is jumping on the zombie gravy train, or Dead Island bafflingly getting a sequel game, I’m pretty much over it.

There are a zillion and three ways to get ready for a zombie attack, from NERF zombie summer camp, to the zombie survival course, to the child-geared zombie survival summer camp, to run for your lives! (my favorite, and possible future investment. That’s one way to get me to run 5k!). A lot of them promote physical fitness, so for that I really endorse and support them, but they’re all so popular because of the mythos and possibility of a real zombie attack, even if people don’t really believe in them. Sure, I’d participate in a race or a kids camp that involves shooting bows and arrows and junk, but, the fact of the matter is that I would not last in the zombie apocalypse or even a zombie attack, and holy shit would I not want to.

I don’t know why people would want to live to the end of a zombie attack and I think the transformation into a zombie would be so much more worthwhile.Shoot me in the head when I run after you when I thirst for your blood? That’s okay, my ability to cognitively function has already been destroyed by that point and I probs wouldn’t even notice. In fact, double tap it, just to make sure. If I stayed alive, I would see the world decay around me and the probability of seeing the people I love die would be really, really high. Getting the gratification of shooting someone in the head that I really hate and/or seeing the transformation of annoying bitches into grotesque things would be so, so cool in a totally bordering-sadistic way, but it would not outweigh the fact that if my best friend turned into a zombie, I’d have to kill her, nonetheless the trauma of having to kill my family and boyfriend. By the time they’re zombies, sure, they’re already dead, but their corpses would be walking around and falsifying the people I love. They’d look like them, beneath the rotten flesh of course, and you’d possibly have to ignore blood/guts/entrails spewing from their mouths, yet it still remains that they would have corrupted them and it’d be up to me to destroy the very last evidence I’d have of their existence.

Would you want to live through that and with that responsibility? I wouldn’t.

If you lived through that, you’d be blessed with life in a world where there is no more life. Maybe there would be food and water (and that’s assuming that the animals aren’t susceptible to the virus and that someone in your group, or you, know how to farm your own food, and that you don’t live in California or a place with janky-ass pipe systems), but gas would be limited and roads would be clogged with all of the crashes that occurred when people tried to escape to begin with, which means you’d have to hoof it out and you better fucking hope the zombies can’t run after you (traditional zombies just hobble, but if recent zombies are any indication, they can run faster that Usain Bolt). The streets, houses, buildings, everything, would be filled with bodies, and if you lived in a big city or small town, you’d be surrounded by death. There isn’t enough Chanel No.5 to cover up that smell, baby, because that shit is decomp. Mmm, nothing like the smell of dead flesh in the morning!

Would you like to live through that day after day? Noooope.

Maybe people want to survive to prove that life really is like a rat race, that the fittest survive. I accept that. I accept that people who are more deserving to survive a zombie attack will, probably, survive longer than I would. I wouldn’t have the grace under pressure to remember to shoot them in the head or slice them to zom-bits, because I would be flipping mad shit. Oh, that screaming dead thing hurtling themselves at me with their arms outstretched and blood covering their whole body? YUP, NOPE. All sense of rational thinking would be gone. Maybe survival instincts would kick in and I’d remember the protips in Zombieland of run the fuck away unless you have a gun or something really long, who can really say without actually being in that situation?, but considering the death of everything you know and care about, compounded with the whole “everything is doomed” aspect, I’d just want to take death. Of course, if they’re 28 Days Later zombies—well, there is some debate over whether or not they’re actually zombies or just infected humans, but for this we’ll just consider them zombies and acknowledge that some people disagree with this classification—that gives me a bit of hope for survival, because then I can just hide away with a stockpile of food (not sure how that’d work, but roll with me) until they starve to death. Ah, the good kind of zombie. The kind that can actually be biologically killed without some supernatural devil shit keeping them alive even when they haven’t eaten a living thing.

But, that’s usually not the case. They’re usually the bad kind of zombie, the kind that ruin everything and kill all in your way, including the therapists that you’d need after having an encounter.

Keep your zombies, give me an escape from a horror movie any day.

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