Occasionally, I will offer my opinion on fashion and comment accordingly. I may not be considered fashionable by all standards, but I am opinionated enough to make up for it. Lucky you! Click to read on!
- Hi-Lo, mullet, fishtail and diphems.
Call them what you like, but they’re all just different terms for the same exact fashion travesty. Have you ever been shopping and your eye is caught by a pretty color, pattern or whatever, in a store where everything else is digging into your retinas with steel claws? Have you ever then walked up to it, eyebrow quirked in curiosity and hope, only to find that everything in your being retches when you pick it up for a closer look? Hi-Lo-/Mullet-/Fishtail-/Dip- hems have all done this to me. I remember seeing someone say that this style is a “perfect way to show some leg while maintaining a sense of dignity,” but no. Because if you have nice legs you wear a mini. If you don’t like your legs, you don’t. If you want to wear a maxi dress or skirt, you do. If you don’t, you don’t. It’s a simple as that. This is not a monumental and wonderful meeting of two things at a crossroad of fashion ingenuity, because there is nothing accomplished by bringing attention to the front of your legs while hiding the back of them, unless you are aiming for a particularly gnarly and nonsensical tanline.
You can get these skirts in every which way possible. Faux leather. Patterned. Rihanna. Trend reports call this look “intriguing.” If intriguing is used the same way I use interesting to describe fashion, it is code for “I really fucking hope you don’t plan on going out in public looking like that.” There is a reason that this design is named after the worst hairstyle in history, and it is no coincidence.
This also goes for sharkbite anything.
- Wedge trainers.
STOP. STOP RIGHT THERE. This trend has to stop. I don’t care if this combines the comfort of sneakers with the fashion of a wedge, because it is horrible. Absolutely horrible. They’re equally as horrible as those shoes you saw in Spencer’s gifts in high school that combined Converse with stilettos, but they’re actually considered chic. Models started wearing them and then they took off, they became a staple at boutiques and became an “It” shoe.
Because nothing says “I love combining comfort with style” like raising a pair of sneakers 3.5 inches off of the ground. Unfortunately, they’re everywhere, from high-end stores like Nordstrom, Saks and Barney’s to Forever21 and H&M. Buckles not your thing? Lucky for you, they come with velcro, laces, or, if you’re feeling particularly stylish or feel a need to assault the senses of any innocent individual within your line of vision, both.
In the same vein as the beautiful creation above, now flatforms, a flat platform shoe, is equally as eye-gauging. Take away the wedge and you have an elevated sneaker, because that makes the concept so much better!
I wouldn’t believe it unless I saw it, either. Okay, okay, they aren’t always sneakers. There is the ballet flat for people who are self-conscious about their height, the espadrille for people who are trying to flower-lace their ways into the hearts of a v-neck wearing hipster with the power of pastels and poor taste, and these, for people who really love to blend in with second-hand grandmother rugs.
- Jeffrey Campbell.
I have a lot of problems with the popularity of Jeffrey Campbell. Sure, his marketers try to lure you in with the nonchalance of American Apparel, you know, to appeal to the pink haired, gypsy-inspired (but not in a racist way because fashion is never racist, duuuhh) jewelry lover, in-touch-with-the-wilderness-that’s-why-I’m-wearing-flower-petals, mesh-wearing hippy in you, but then you see this:
PROTIP: if Pamela Anderson would consider your taste in shoes tacky, walk the fuck away.
The three trends above were only acceptable when the Spice Girls did it, and even then it was definitely questionable. Stop corrupting their beautiful legacy that should have definitely stayed in the 1990s! It is not posh (ha!) or cool to dress like them now, unless these fashion choices are done in the name of a costume party, and in that case, may the spice be with you.