Ah, fashion. Beautiful, well-crafted, unique and, most importantly, fucking bizarre. While some people may love runway season to see the new trends they’ll scrimp and save to have in their closet, I personally love runway season to ogle the what-the-fuck fashions (WTFashions) that will be sold at an equivalent of the down payment on a house come retail time. Sure, some designs are lovely and all, but the ones that make you cringe are the best.
In this first installment of this series, we’ll start with the menswear that will be knocked and ripped off in every H&M—or, well, not, if we’re lucky—this upcoming autumn. However, because I’m fair, I’ll let you judge it for yourself.
There is a very distinctive look and feel that pervades every Burberry Prorsum season. Trench coats, loafers, leather jackets, patent leather jackets, plaid, black pants and studs are all things that repeat season after season. Christopher Bailey must have gotten bored of this tried and true method, because he left the traditional for a walk on the wild side, you know, by hunting for fabric in the wilds of Kilimanjaro clearance aisle of Wet Seal.
John Richmond always thinks that John Richmond is on the cutting edge of fashion. Sort of like Karl Lagerfeld, only Karl Lagerfeld has the sales to back it up, whether or not we find the actual line to look like a second grader’s paper collage art project. Here’s what sums up this runway mishmash:
A. Polka dots and studs arranged in an ornate pattern that was probably invented by a mom bedazzling her daughters jeans in 1997 so she could feel at home with the Baby-sitters Club.
B. Studs in a doily pattern (also comes in black, for the chic).
C. Studded black wool shorts over black wool pants with black studded boots.
D. Floral print matchy matchy suits (we all know how much I love co-ords).
Fendi’s collection is mostly gorgeous. There, I said it. It would have gotten a full thumbs up until I saw the furpocalypse and felt wildlife cringe worldwide. I’m not against using fur in fashion, but this is just hilariously fucking ugly fur (furgly?) and should have just been left on the animal it came from, because this is just a disservice.
I can only imagine what the committee felt when the designer proposed his sketches. “So, I’m thinking this season needs to be rustic. Remind everyone of the outdoors. So, purple horses, tiger printed fur, floral prints, gold necklaces, Mandarin collars, Celtic print velvet, quilted pants, Mongolia-inspired fur boots, and robes created out with all of the above.” Little did they know that their combined disgust would not measure up to how ugly it turned out. I’d say shield your eyes, only this is something that needs to be experienced.
Saying that Versace is a hot mess express is like acknowledging that fire is hot, water is wet, etc. It’s an accepted fact. This time, Donatella took us so far into ridicule-land that you have to wonder if she’s actually in on the joke. It took me a while to condense down what’s happening here, but I think I’ve managed to do it: fetishist pimp fashion circa 1999. No more words, just gaze:
Lucky us, Men’s Fashion Week has just started! Stay tuned for more WTFashion.